5 tips to poop like a champion

Ben Mann
3 min readAug 1, 2017

The perfect poop is one large snake that comes out clean as soon as I sit down. It should happen around the same time every day. There should be a minimum of undigested food, and certainly no dark spots, which could hint at intestinal bleeding.

I’ve learned a few tricks to improve my poop, and now I’ll share them with you!

Bristol stool scale

This is the best way to talk about poop. I shoot for a 3.5. Only 27% of people in one survey looked at their poop every sitting. If you don’t look, how do you know what to do to make your poops better?

Psyllium husk

Studies show it reduces constipation and increases water retention. In my experience it also reduces the probability of loose stool and makes evacuation easier, sometimes to the point where wiping is unnecessary.

Other forms of soluble fiber such as flax seed and chia can have the same effect.

Butt cleaner

If you accidentally got some poop on your hands, would you feel clean after only wiping with a piece of paper? You’d probably want to use water. There’s already a great solution for this: a bidet. It shoots a stream of water to the right spot to clean off any mess, and then you just wipe off the water with toilet paper. You can buy one yourself for $35 and install it in 15 minutes.


Researchers put a special marker in subjects’ food and measured how long it took to come out the other end. Transit time decreased from 51 hours for sedentary individuals to 28 hours for joggers. I’ve anecdotally noticed much better digestion and consistency on days I exercise.

Allergens & intolerances

Some estimates say 65% of the global population is lactose intolerant. A friend recently started taking lactase pills whenever he eats milk products and it’s vastly improved his watery stool. If you’re not of Northern European descent, it’s a worthwhile, fast, cheap experiment to try.

For a more extensive food allergy test, ask your doctor about a RAST test. This is how I found out I’m mildly allergic to whey protein, which is in almost all milk products.

Bonus: don’t wait

After I originally published this article, a friend recommended not waiting until you have the urge to poop. Just try when it’s convenient for you. I’ve really enjoyed this technique since it gives me more control over my regularity and reduces feelings of bloating.

I hope these tips help you rule more effectively over the kingdom of brown from the porcelain throne. If I missed something that’s helped you, please share!



Ben Mann

Software engineer, tinkerer, aspiring mad scientist